I shall be silent.

Silent as the whispering wind.

I shall be quiet. Stupid, stupid, stupid. This family is a mess, a huge tangle of feelings.

I shall not say anything.

Listening to their voices,

overlapping one another.Always on a short fuse. Now you know why. Tight-lipped. Now you know why. Never enough time to spend together. Now--

Arguing, rising and falling,

like the tide.

I will not comment. Can I speak? Can I comment? No. Huge, oppressing weight on my chest. Hard to live here. Hard to keep a cheerful face day after day in this emotional hellhole.

"What do I do now? She keeps calling.."

"I don't know. Why should I care?"

Shoulders tightening,

tensed.

As though waiting for enemy fire,

waiting for an enemy to strike.

Emotion rising to block my throat.

I must listen,

and not murmur a word.

It is hard to breathe.

Living in a house with an environment thick enough to plow.

"Who told you to get into such a relationship?"

"But--"

"Now you've created the damn problem, you solve it. Stop running to me!"

Play the ignorant child,

again. Yes, you know your part in the house. You do not have the experience, you do not know.Want to start crying. You cannot. There is no one to comfort you. Need to be touched, need to hear a friendly human voice. Need to be reassured that it'll be there always. Their minds whisper to mine.

I must pretend. Life is a futile game, many masks are worn daily. I must play my part in this play, this house, this atmosphere, this argument, this mess.

Yes, now you know your part. Battling with myself. Not recommended to be done over a long period of time. Always battling with myself. This is what you must do. Play. Pretend. Deceive. Pretend nothing is happening, that everything in the household is fine.Parents too busy solving that problem to care or notice. That there are no problems. You should be awarded an Oscar for your acting. It is very good, do you want to join my pro---Keep doing that. Try and lead a some semblance of an ordinary life, pass your tests, and everyone is happy. Be an ignorant child. Life is a masquarade. You sure you don't want to join? You'd be rich, famous! No. No. No. I don't want to pretend. Life is a masquarade. Life at home is hell. Living hell. Why don't you-- Come on. Sign this contract, you won't need to do anything but act! Yes. Act. Pretend. That is the keyword, your friends are too busy anyway, they wouldn't care to know.

I live in a living hell. Home is not sweet. Memories are better than the present. Why should I bother calling anyone? No one ever picks up.

I want to tell someone, anyone. Anyone willing to listen.

Don't. Don't wash your family's dirty linen in the public. You have work to do. Your homework, your schoolwork. Stop reading, do some asses---

Shut the hell up. Shut up. Shut up. Go to hell dammit.

I could wish I was less alone.

last - next