I'm very tired. So tired I'm not even going to attempt discussing any current affairs or anything more complicated than what I'm doing right now. Seriously, for all you know, I might even write this huge essay on why America should have gone to war in my fatigued state instead!

Gods, I'm exhausted, so I'll just focus on the pounding headache I have right now that's just above my eyes. Sorry, but the word 'whine' just keeps flashing itself across my eyes, like some neon sign that needs fixing. Sorry, if you don't want to hear me whine, by all means, get out of here before I start. Gods.

I don't know what's wrong with me, seriously, in all seriousness, I don't. I swear, something must be wrong with me, because wherever I go, I see people walking in twos and threes, little groups. They're laughing, chatting, smiling, trading jokes, whatever it is they're doing, whatever it is they do, I don't know. Oh yes, and me? I do not understand me, myself, any bloody more, I really don't. I'm perfectly capable of-okay, maybe not right now-holding a conversation with someone, I do actually have the ability-even if it doesn't come often now-to laugh. And smiling? Yes, I can do that too, even if the smile is a little small. Yet, what the bloody hell is wrong with me? I walk by, seeing these little groups of people strolling by, and there's a pleasure and happiness in their eyes. Where am I? Sitting in the dust kicked up by their feet, with my clothes covered in mud and dust, eyes smarting from unshed tears and gritty pieces of dirt that have lodged themselves between my eyelids. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

Right now, I'm not in the mood to look beyond my own selfish horizon, even though I know I should. Right now, I can't. I'm having a serious attack of loneliness right now, sorry if I'm a little blunt.

I don't understand, I don't understand, oh gods, I don't understand.

I don't know anymore. As each day goes by, I feel more and more lonely. Especially looking at those crowds of people, all swarming past me, as though I wasn't there, as though I was surrounded by glass, a sculpture. As if I wasn't a living human being, it hurts. Them brushing past me, buried in their own thoughts, it hurts. Everytime, I feel an ache within my heart, as though another person has thrown and buried another knife within it. It's as though someone was slowly cutting through my flesh, trying to find my thoughts, slowly cutting away, piece by piece....

I feel like a little bear sitting on a tiny piece of ice, lost. As if I wasn't there. The worst thing is, I know I won't ever have the same feeling, won't ever be able to have the same joy or hope or trust between my friends and I. I don't know. I don't.

Recess is especially bad. Sitting at a table with no one beside me, opposite me. As though that table had an invisible sign that only they could see. Eating with the mynas, pigeons, sharing the food with them, always. Whenever I look at the lunchtime crowds, and see how easily they're mingling with each other, and laughing, playfully shoving each other, they seem so far away. I'm looking through a window, and can't ever get through. I just feel profoundly alien there.

What did I do wrong? Did I do anything wrong? What is wrong with me? Gods, I do not know, dammit. I'm not a Steppenwolf, I didn't choose this, this life. What is wrong with me?

Each day, each smile is harder, each laugh sounds more forced, bleak and brittle, like a branch about to break. And I'm so tired, so tired. A walk becomes a crawl, I'm down on my hands and knees, how did walking ever feel? I don't know, I don't understand. I don't know.

I'm so very tired, how much longer can I keep doing this? How long more will I be able to stand it? I don't know. Gods, I don't know.

And now, goodnight.

The night is as silent as a tomb.

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