I realise I have not updated for about a week, and that this journal has become a weekly affair. It isn't that I don't want to write anymore, nor is it because there isn't anything to write about. It's just that I don't have the inspiration to write anymore than once or twice a week.

Yes, I am aware that bird flu is attacking the world right now, but the problem is, I have not been reading the papers, and so even if I did want to write about it, I would not be able to! All I know about that topic is that many people have died from it, and it is spread from sick chickens. As you can see, it is not really enough to form an essay. And I am not interested in the American Presidential Elections. All I know about that is that Dean has gone home. Everything in the papers just seems so..dead nowadays.

Speaking of dead, everyone at school is the same. It doesn't help that the weather is so humid, nor does it help that all I seem to do at recess is go to the staffroom, go to the bookshop, and walk back to class. I see precious little of any of my friends these days, and that truly saddens me.

Somehow, the liveliness that has always accompanied my classmates during school hours in Secondary One and Two has dissipated and disappeared. I can hardly conjure up enough passion these days to write a good essay, because everything else seems such a chore.

There are so many projects to do, so many people to please, so many projects to plan for, so that homework can't really be delayed anymore. I tried that once, and found that I had too much work to do the next day.

Sometimes, I wonder if whatever I'm doing is enough. It doesn't feel like it's enough to me. I often wonder if I'm, say, being a good enough friend, leader, student and so on. I mean, I can't possibly be good company when I hardly say anything, I listen more than anything else. And leader? I don't know. What sort of leader am I? I don't know. The line kind of blurs between trying to lead and trying to listen to comments and suggestions of others. I feel like a juggler. There are so many balls to juggle, and the line between everything is so thin, eveything melds together..and, I don't know, it's an uphill battle really. One with an avalanche threatening, and a volcano that's about to erupt, and storm clouds about to burst.

I wonder if there's a limit to the number of balls I can juggle?

I worry alot, as you can probably tell. Sometimes, I forget about myself. As JoJoy once told me 'you shouldn't help others at the expense of yourself'. But I seem to be doing the exact opposite. I don't know.

I worry alot about other people, but sometimes, it just seems like there are so many people to take care of, so many people and things to handle, who need looking after, and no one to look after the people who are the so-called 'protectors'. Whatever you want to call those you rely upon.

I'm just worried that I won't be able to meet everyone's (including those of my friends) expectations I guess. I'm always like that. I always feel as if I have to be a prop for everyone else, and there isn't enough time for me to be sheltered by someone else, for someone else to be my prop.

I'm just feeling helpless, I guess.

Alright, I've finished my rambling now.

Don't mind me.

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